Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
