Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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