At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
