Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
