it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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