just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
