Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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