I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
