my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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