here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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