He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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