She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
