I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
