The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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