i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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