Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
