I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just had sex on a roof
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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