12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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