wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
