While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
