I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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