Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
