This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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