when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Im part way to drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We smell like vodka and hangover
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