I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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