Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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