if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
