A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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