i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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