dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
