dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have tasted many bathrooms
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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