You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
