Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
