Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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