Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
