Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
