my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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