Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
