I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
