On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
