You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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