i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found your dick twin last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
