I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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