I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I cut my penus on the lid.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
