i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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