She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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