I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
