It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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