i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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