I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
